11/14/13 12:13 AM

Hi.

I find this whole session of revisiting the past and treating it like it was the present immensely hurtful. I'll be daring enough to say that maybe I'm the one hurting more. And possibly more than you could ever do.

Remember that night I first found out about what was going on? That was the night I cried my heart out as I drank in Canaan and lighted up god knows how many cigarettes in Midnight Owl. I really appreciated you being there. But what I realise now is that that was not what I needed. What I needed was someone who would listen to what I have to say. Someone who was willing to hear what I have to say about what happened and understand that I'm also being wronged. Almost seven months in, with many of our fights still being about this, and you still don't get it. You tell me how you'll never forgive her.

But maybe the one you could never forgive is actually me.

The way you said that puts me simply as the one to blame: just like how everyone else saw it as. None of this would have happened if I just kept my mouth shut and just did my already delayed closes, no? And it hurts having to hear this from you. Because I was hoping that maybe you would be the one who would also try to hear and understand (even if you don't agree with) what I have to say.

It's honestly draining me out. This whole cycle of us talking about this thing, with my only oasis in our conversations being the part where I find that brief validation that maybe you do love me. Everything else: I force to become a blur.

Sometimes I wonder if all this was really just born out of your desire for that very power that certain girl wanted, too. Maybe I was too trusting. Maybe some of this is real, just not the parts I wish were. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Maybe you do love me, and I'm just the one finding all the reasons for you not to continue doing so.

I haven't smoked that much in 6 months. While I tell people I've quit, I still turn to a stick or two (max) whenever the days get too tough and they still never fail to clear up my mind and help me get through another round of these depression attacks. It's my perfect excuse to have a reason to hate the way I am; a perfect opportunity to get mad at how pathetic I am for relying on little sticks of nicotine to solve my problems.

It is also during these moments of being so horrible that I get people to care. People usually don't, after all. I've been so used to understanding the situation of everyone around me that I forget to remind them to understand me, too.

And so I temporarily get by.

I've also realised that drinking has given me an excuse to air out all of the pent up frustration.

It has helped us clear out a lot of things for this relationship, no? After all, if I haven't drank a bottle of vodka that one night I drunkenly decided to kiss you, I don't think you wouldn't have pursued me anymore. Our first fight also ended as I—aided with the magic that is a few bottles of beer—spilled my entire heart out as I spoke of how difficult it is for me still to find a place in your life. Thank you for caring enough to listen and to care about what I had to say. And thank you so much for understanding and being sorry. That was all I needed for I have rarely had people tell me those words: "I'm sorry."

Really, thank you for making it feel like this is worth the risk. And I hope that in finally breaking the silence, I'll stop having a reason to turn to smoking.

8/14/13 1:27 AM

Hi.

This is the email I'll write but will refuse to send you because I don't have the courage to do so.

I love you. That still sounds weird for me to say, because I never thought I would learn how to do so. I've learned to love you in more than a friend way because it only felt right, after the crazy days that preceeded that night. And for the days that I could count with my finger that we were together, I can say that I was genuinely happy. And I really am thankful for that. For a while, I was happy enough to hold on to the five days I felt like I was in a relationship during the other twenty or so days that I didn't.

I'm such a fucking pussy for wanting to give up this early, and I know that fully. And I know that you don't deserve any of my selfish bullshit.

Again, I've told you countless times that I know how busy you are. I know how important every day is for you, because I've been there in that very same position and I've felt its impossibly heavy burden. But lately I felt like my capacity to understand has been taken for granted? I fail to understand why it's so hard for you to tell me anything. Is it because I lost focus somewhere along senior year? Is it because I failed expectations when I produced a half-assed thesis? Or is it because I failed to submit my closes on time? Does that really make me so much less of someone that I don't deseve to hear anything from you anymore? Will knowing that everyone else knows what you're up to make me feel better? Am I someone you only remember after you meet your deadlines? Am I only a girlfriend—no, a friend—when you have time? I find it way to easy to say yes to everything because that's how I've felt for quite some time now. And I've been vocal about this, albeit not as straightforwardly as I would have wanted to.

But I love you, and so I endure. I know you don't mean this. Or maybe you do, but you're free to say that you don't to do me a favor. I can see how you probably don't have time for this. And as a girlfriend all I want is to see you excel and be happy in what you're doing. And I think that at this point it would be best if I were out of the picture.

I won't ever be your cornerstone
I don't want to be here holding on

I'm tired of this cycle: of having to continuously find my place in spaces promised to me I could situate myself in, only to find out that (like always) it isn't the case. I guess this time I was too optimistic, given that this would be the first time I wouldn't have to fight for something people made me think and feel I deserved. The term "part-time relationship" fits us so well, no? All the affirmation I feel comes from everyone else but you and that makes me wonder if I'm the only one fighting for this now.

Nothing hurts more than only being wanted when remembered.

Right now I guess I'll only be able to cope up with this if I put this whole thing in this perspective: I guess I'm only taken less than ten days in a month. And I'll begin treating you and this whole thing as such if I still want to brave the other twenty or so days that I'm not.

I hope they weren't lying, whoever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Here's to becoming more confident in what we have and not letting my insecurities get the best of me.

there are days where things suddenly turn around so horribly. one minute, I am so content and happy with life then the next minute, I catch myself wondering if I'm doing the right things, if I'm pursuing the right goals, if I'm loving the right people

and my mind won't stop saying

"you made the wrong decision.

again."

I honestly just want to kiss you forever.

I shyly pull away all the time though just for the thrill of it, because I know that will make you kiss me again and that assurance makes me really happy (and I won't even start describing how).

Last night on the impossibly lonely way home on a cab that had that famous love advice program on, I tried so hard to keep myself from falling asleep. Even if my day consisted of having had a frustrating time doing press work, to taking the wrong jeep because I forgot I was going to Greenhills first and not Katipunan, to being stupid and drinking almost 3/4ths of the overpriced pitcher of alcohol I bought, only one thing was constantly on my mind: you.

I miss how you tell me you love me, and how you'll tell me to rest when it's obvious you're the one that should sleep during our past-midnight calls. I miss how you held me and first told me you were serious about pursuing me (while I got frozen and unable to reply because I was panicking inside), and how you held me again while repeating those words (only this time, I embraced you back). I miss how you take me by surprise all the time when our eyes meet and suddenly our lips crash into each other, not minding were we were or who we were.

It was a great night that I spent with good friends but still, I felt sad and miserable that I just had to joke about being single and how you were busy anyway so it wouldn't matter if I become a little reckless and drink more than what I should and stay longer than what was planned.

And so I took the ride alone. When I finally stepped off the cab, I checked my bag to see if I left anything and on instinct, I grabbed my phone to check if I missed anything. What surprised me is that it had your name in bold and for some weird reason you were already on the line without me having pressed anything. Funny how the first thing I told you wasn't "hello" or anything cheesy: it was "DID MY BAG CALL YOU???"

I then remembered how I texted you in all caps I miss you and then proceeded to apologise for how I was so clingy lately and suddenly started laughing for no reason at all. I also told you this a lot of times:

"Wag mo ako i-JB, please."*

And it feels silly how I said something so horrible while laughing uncontrollably. Perhaps it's because it is a hypothetical situation that isn't really all too impossible. Maybe it's also because I'm scared of getting my heart broken when I feel like I really want to commit to you.

You were quick to tell me that you won't, though. That this will work out. You also told me how you're really sorry and that you should be the one who should be doing something about what's happening. I replied saying that I understand that you're busy and that it's alright—even if we both knew it wasn't. You cut me off and told me that you know it's not okay. And I cracked and just had to say yes to that because I already miss you so much and I'm scared you'll forget about me.

I just can't bear thinking that it's not impossible for you to forget that you also love a girl named Shanice and she's someone who needs to be taken care of regularly because she's learning at an insane speed how to love you. But thank you—and I love you—for always telling me that what we have right now is something that will work out.

---

* My friend, JB, left one of my best friends after courting and dating her for 8 months because he was too busy with his academics and other commitments. Said best friend was really devastated because she really thought it the relationship she had so long wanted—and she did give her best to make that happen. JB just didn't prioritise her after all, it seemed, and chose to let go of her instead of his commitments.

I'm glad I was able to talk about my feelings to someone today but ugh. I don't know. I'm fairly certain everything is just problematic because I make it a problem.

I don't want to miss you but every inch of my being screams out "you."

I'm sorry.