Letters I'll never send 2/?
Nov. 14th, 2013 12:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
okaeri11/14/13 12:13 AM
Hi.
I find this whole session of revisiting the past and treating it like it was the present immensely hurtful. I'll be daring enough to say that maybe I'm the one hurting more. And possibly more than you could ever do.
Remember that night I first found out about what was going on? That was the night I cried my heart out as I drank in Canaan and lighted up god knows how many cigarettes in Midnight Owl. I really appreciated you being there. But what I realise now is that that was not what I needed. What I needed was someone who would listen to what I have to say. Someone who was willing to hear what I have to say about what happened and understand that I'm also being wronged. Almost seven months in, with many of our fights still being about this, and you still don't get it. You tell me how you'll never forgive her.
But maybe the one you could never forgive is actually me.
The way you said that puts me simply as the one to blame: just like how everyone else saw it as. None of this would have happened if I just kept my mouth shut and just did my already delayed closes, no? And it hurts having to hear this from you. Because I was hoping that maybe you would be the one who would also try to hear and understand (even if you don't agree with) what I have to say.
It's honestly draining me out. This whole cycle of us talking about this thing, with my only oasis in our conversations being the part where I find that brief validation that maybe you do love me. Everything else: I force to become a blur.
Sometimes I wonder if all this was really just born out of your desire for that very power that certain girl wanted, too. Maybe I was too trusting. Maybe some of this is real, just not the parts I wish were. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Maybe you do love me, and I'm just the one finding all the reasons for you not to continue doing so.
Hi.
I find this whole session of revisiting the past and treating it like it was the present immensely hurtful. I'll be daring enough to say that maybe I'm the one hurting more. And possibly more than you could ever do.
Remember that night I first found out about what was going on? That was the night I cried my heart out as I drank in Canaan and lighted up god knows how many cigarettes in Midnight Owl. I really appreciated you being there. But what I realise now is that that was not what I needed. What I needed was someone who would listen to what I have to say. Someone who was willing to hear what I have to say about what happened and understand that I'm also being wronged. Almost seven months in, with many of our fights still being about this, and you still don't get it. You tell me how you'll never forgive her.
But maybe the one you could never forgive is actually me.
The way you said that puts me simply as the one to blame: just like how everyone else saw it as. None of this would have happened if I just kept my mouth shut and just did my already delayed closes, no? And it hurts having to hear this from you. Because I was hoping that maybe you would be the one who would also try to hear and understand (even if you don't agree with) what I have to say.
It's honestly draining me out. This whole cycle of us talking about this thing, with my only oasis in our conversations being the part where I find that brief validation that maybe you do love me. Everything else: I force to become a blur.
Sometimes I wonder if all this was really just born out of your desire for that very power that certain girl wanted, too. Maybe I was too trusting. Maybe some of this is real, just not the parts I wish were. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Maybe you do love me, and I'm just the one finding all the reasons for you not to continue doing so.
