possessive
Jun. 10th, 2013 02:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
okaeriI've never been in a relationship before so being in one now, I find myself doubting if I truly am ready for this. It's not that I don't love the person I'm involved with. It's just that I find it so hard to see how worthy I am to be loved when I see myself as a mess.
He was there during some of the craziest days of the past year and I have to admit, I still dream of how he held me those nights. I'd kill for someone to hold me like that everyday and I find myself wanting the smallest things. But because of time and distance, that's what he can't afford to give. It's no one's fault, of course. I'm also busy with my job and I have overprotective people as parents while he still has senior year to finish and work (which happens to be the very same things that killed me last year).
I find myself wanting to take all of his time when I can and I know how unhealthy it is and I hate myself for wanting to be possessive even when I know I shouldn't be. I know how it's still me he runs to when he needs someone and that should reassure me of my position in his busy life but... I want more? It's too early for me to be demanding so much. It's too early for me to want so much out of this relationship. It's too early for me to be loving so much.
Often, I find myself saying how this is how I would treat every friend: with all the love I can give. But the whole context of this being a romantic connection scares me because I can deal with losing friends. I've mastered the art of dealing with that. But I don't know and I honestly don't want to know how it is to lose a boyfriend. And I want to give everything I can to make this the relationship, even if I'm probably 5 or 10 years too young to consider any relationship the definitive one.
...And I thought he was the one rushing.
He was there during some of the craziest days of the past year and I have to admit, I still dream of how he held me those nights. I'd kill for someone to hold me like that everyday and I find myself wanting the smallest things. But because of time and distance, that's what he can't afford to give. It's no one's fault, of course. I'm also busy with my job and I have overprotective people as parents while he still has senior year to finish and work (which happens to be the very same things that killed me last year).
I find myself wanting to take all of his time when I can and I know how unhealthy it is and I hate myself for wanting to be possessive even when I know I shouldn't be. I know how it's still me he runs to when he needs someone and that should reassure me of my position in his busy life but... I want more? It's too early for me to be demanding so much. It's too early for me to want so much out of this relationship. It's too early for me to be loving so much.
Often, I find myself saying how this is how I would treat every friend: with all the love I can give. But the whole context of this being a romantic connection scares me because I can deal with losing friends. I've mastered the art of dealing with that. But I don't know and I honestly don't want to know how it is to lose a boyfriend. And I want to give everything I can to make this the relationship, even if I'm probably 5 or 10 years too young to consider any relationship the definitive one.
...And I thought he was the one rushing.
