Letters I'll never send 1/?
Sep. 20th, 2013 07:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
okaeri8/14/13 1:27 AM
Hi.
This is the email I'll write but will refuse to send you because I don't have the courage to do so.
I love you. That still sounds weird for me to say, because I never thought I would learn how to do so. I've learned to love you in more than a friend way because it only felt right, after the crazy days that preceeded that night. And for the days that I could count with my finger that we were together, I can say that I was genuinely happy. And I really am thankful for that. For a while, I was happy enough to hold on to the five days I felt like I was in a relationship during the other twenty or so days that I didn't.
I'm such a fucking pussy for wanting to give up this early, and I know that fully. And I know that you don't deserve any of my selfish bullshit.
Again, I've told you countless times that I know how busy you are. I know how important every day is for you, because I've been there in that very same position and I've felt its impossibly heavy burden. But lately I felt like my capacity to understand has been taken for granted? I fail to understand why it's so hard for you to tell me anything. Is it because I lost focus somewhere along senior year? Is it because I failed expectations when I produced a half-assed thesis? Or is it because I failed to submit my closes on time? Does that really make me so much less of someone that I don't deseve to hear anything from you anymore? Will knowing that everyone else knows what you're up to make me feel better? Am I someone you only remember after you meet your deadlines? Am I only a girlfriend—no, a friend—when you have time? I find it way to easy to say yes to everything because that's how I've felt for quite some time now. And I've been vocal about this, albeit not as straightforwardly as I would have wanted to.
But I love you, and so I endure. I know you don't mean this. Or maybe you do, but you're free to say that you don't to do me a favor. I can see how you probably don't have time for this. And as a girlfriend all I want is to see you excel and be happy in what you're doing. And I think that at this point it would be best if I were out of the picture.
Hi.
This is the email I'll write but will refuse to send you because I don't have the courage to do so.
I love you. That still sounds weird for me to say, because I never thought I would learn how to do so. I've learned to love you in more than a friend way because it only felt right, after the crazy days that preceeded that night. And for the days that I could count with my finger that we were together, I can say that I was genuinely happy. And I really am thankful for that. For a while, I was happy enough to hold on to the five days I felt like I was in a relationship during the other twenty or so days that I didn't.
I'm such a fucking pussy for wanting to give up this early, and I know that fully. And I know that you don't deserve any of my selfish bullshit.
Again, I've told you countless times that I know how busy you are. I know how important every day is for you, because I've been there in that very same position and I've felt its impossibly heavy burden. But lately I felt like my capacity to understand has been taken for granted? I fail to understand why it's so hard for you to tell me anything. Is it because I lost focus somewhere along senior year? Is it because I failed expectations when I produced a half-assed thesis? Or is it because I failed to submit my closes on time? Does that really make me so much less of someone that I don't deseve to hear anything from you anymore? Will knowing that everyone else knows what you're up to make me feel better? Am I someone you only remember after you meet your deadlines? Am I only a girlfriend—no, a friend—when you have time? I find it way to easy to say yes to everything because that's how I've felt for quite some time now. And I've been vocal about this, albeit not as straightforwardly as I would have wanted to.
But I love you, and so I endure. I know you don't mean this. Or maybe you do, but you're free to say that you don't to do me a favor. I can see how you probably don't have time for this. And as a girlfriend all I want is to see you excel and be happy in what you're doing. And I think that at this point it would be best if I were out of the picture.
