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privacy

Okay so medyo kasalanan ko for being curious about wanting to know what you say about me to other people and it's kind of sad how it went from you telling other people about what you feel about me to how you want to prioritize everything else over me.

Putangina lang e.

lust?

I'm kind of scared of getting too used to feeling good. Of letting you in. Of letting you make me feel so fucking good. All I can think of right now is why did I turn down such a perfect opportunity of doing it with you (again). And of how much my body hurts, nevertheless.

Something tells me I'll regret indulging in this too much sometime soon.

satisfaction

Okay I have to be honest: I wasn't expecting you to go but I'm really super super glad you did. Double that amount of happiness too because you actually stayed the night. I am that happy, haha.

It's also adorable how you struggled to say you wanted to go somewhere more intimate. I'd be stupid enough now to say I was just waiting for you to want it too because I've always wanted to do it again. I will be also stupid again to say that okay, the second time really feels a million times better than the first and while my entire body still aches from the whole affair, I'm looking forward to the next? Hahaha.

Also, wow. So horrible for me to judge people who engage in PDA when I was fucking fingered in public places. Hahahahahahaha. Well.

reflection

It's funny how my entries here just speak of the same thing over and over again. One entry would see me crying over how this isn't just working and the next details how much I (and you... sometimes) want to make it work. It's honestly stupid and disconcerting to see me write the same things over and over again. I'm not sure what's wrong but please God tell me because it's really stressful to keep on fighting for something that might not even be right.

grudge

I'm not gonna lie, I think I'll hold this against you forever.

clarity

I'm really glad I finally got to talk to you. And I'm sorry for being so fragile: resorting to tears as I lose the words to tell you how hard and painful it is to wait and understand you all the time but at the same time assure you that I love you enough to withstand all that.

And I really appreciate how you are trying to stand by your word: that you want to make this work. That you'll make it work.

Thank you, really. I didn't know what I wanted to hear but at that moment, you made me feel like I would regret if I had not stayed.

Letters I'll never send 2/?

11/14/13 12:13 AM

Hi.

I find this whole session of revisiting the past and treating it like it was the present immensely hurtful. I'll be daring enough to say that maybe I'm the one hurting more. And possibly more than you could ever do.

Remember that night I first found out about what was going on? That was the night I cried my heart out as I drank in Canaan and lighted up god knows how many cigarettes in Midnight Owl. I really appreciated you being there. But what I realise now is that that was not what I needed. What I needed was someone who would listen to what I have to say. Someone who was willing to hear what I have to say about what happened and understand that I'm also being wronged. Almost seven months in, with many of our fights still being about this, and you still don't get it. You tell me how you'll never forgive her.

But maybe the one you could never forgive is actually me.

The way you said that puts me simply as the one to blame: just like how everyone else saw it as. None of this would have happened if I just kept my mouth shut and just did my already delayed closes, no? And it hurts having to hear this from you. Because I was hoping that maybe you would be the one who would also try to hear and understand (even if you don't agree with) what I have to say.

It's honestly draining me out. This whole cycle of us talking about this thing, with my only oasis in our conversations being the part where I find that brief validation that maybe you do love me. Everything else: I force to become a blur.

Sometimes I wonder if all this was really just born out of your desire for that very power that certain girl wanted, too. Maybe I was too trusting. Maybe some of this is real, just not the parts I wish were. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Maybe you do love me, and I'm just the one finding all the reasons for you not to continue doing so.

moment of weakness

Now I have to admit that this is no one's fault but again: circumstance. Who am I to dictate when you can get sick, after all?

But I hope it's still human of me to feel all sorts of irritation and disappointment at how something I've planned for such a long time can again go be invalidated that fast. Especially when I planned for it with the hopes of at least seeing you properly before I leave the country again.

But well, ganun eh. Hindi ko alam kung baka dahil nasanay ka na rin siguro na pinagbibigyan ko lahat kasi kaya ko naman. Kinakaya ko naman.

of smoking and drinking

I haven't smoked that much in 6 months. While I tell people I've quit, I still turn to a stick or two (max) whenever the days get too tough and they still never fail to clear up my mind and help me get through another round of these depression attacks. It's my perfect excuse to have a reason to hate the way I am; a perfect opportunity to get mad at how pathetic I am for relying on little sticks of nicotine to solve my problems.

It is also during these moments of being so horrible that I get people to care. People usually don't, after all. I've been so used to understanding the situation of everyone around me that I forget to remind them to understand me, too.

And so I temporarily get by.

I've also realised that drinking has given me an excuse to air out all of the pent up frustration.

It has helped us clear out a lot of things for this relationship, no? After all, if I haven't drank a bottle of vodka that one night I drunkenly decided to kiss you, I don't think you wouldn't have pursued me anymore. Our first fight also ended as I—aided with the magic that is a few bottles of beer—spilled my entire heart out as I spoke of how difficult it is for me still to find a place in your life. Thank you for caring enough to listen and to care about what I had to say. And thank you so much for understanding and being sorry. That was all I needed for I have rarely had people tell me those words: "I'm sorry."

Really, thank you for making it feel like this is worth the risk. And I hope that in finally breaking the silence, I'll stop having a reason to turn to smoking.

the day after

Everything fucking hurts. And I think fucking everyday will hurt too.

God, was I that tight? Tense? Scared? Shy? Anxious?

Oh well, it was the first and again, porn has set unrealistic expectations.

Letters I'll never send 1/?

8/14/13 1:27 AM

Hi.

This is the email I'll write but will refuse to send you because I don't have the courage to do so.

I love you. That still sounds weird for me to say, because I never thought I would learn how to do so. I've learned to love you in more than a friend way because it only felt right, after the crazy days that preceeded that night. And for the days that I could count with my finger that we were together, I can say that I was genuinely happy. And I really am thankful for that. For a while, I was happy enough to hold on to the five days I felt like I was in a relationship during the other twenty or so days that I didn't.

I'm such a fucking pussy for wanting to give up this early, and I know that fully. And I know that you don't deserve any of my selfish bullshit.

Again, I've told you countless times that I know how busy you are. I know how important every day is for you, because I've been there in that very same position and I've felt its impossibly heavy burden. But lately I felt like my capacity to understand has been taken for granted? I fail to understand why it's so hard for you to tell me anything. Is it because I lost focus somewhere along senior year? Is it because I failed expectations when I produced a half-assed thesis? Or is it because I failed to submit my closes on time? Does that really make me so much less of someone that I don't deseve to hear anything from you anymore? Will knowing that everyone else knows what you're up to make me feel better? Am I someone you only remember after you meet your deadlines? Am I only a girlfriend—no, a friend—when you have time? I find it way to easy to say yes to everything because that's how I've felt for quite some time now. And I've been vocal about this, albeit not as straightforwardly as I would have wanted to.

But I love you, and so I endure. I know you don't mean this. Or maybe you do, but you're free to say that you don't to do me a favor. I can see how you probably don't have time for this. And as a girlfriend all I want is to see you excel and be happy in what you're doing. And I think that at this point it would be best if I were out of the picture.

thoughts on

1. Communication

I guess a lot of unnecessary thoughts from my end was addressed the moment I asked what can I realistically expect from you. I know, I know. I should have done this before but my pride was just too much. I keep on pushing an ideal when everyone knows that it'll break more than make.

2. Having not much to say

I'm really embarrassed. I realized how little is happening to my life outside our relationship, though that's a choice I made knowingly. Even with other people, I catch those moments when I run out of things to say about myself. And so I resolve to do something about it by working twice as hard for the things I've loved first.

3. How we fill up those spaces

The reason why I was willing to try this relationship thing with you is how we were friends first. And I'm glad I did take the risk? I enjoy the company but the way we desperately touch keeps the wait worth it. It's really embarrassing for me to admit but if I could have you touch me more times in a week, I'd be totally up for that. My blanket can only do so much.

4. Blow jobs

And so the deed has been done. With my limited knowledge of how to do it (again, thank you internet), I sure hope I did fine. According to porn and forum posts, I guess I did well to have had you come in a short while. You deserve it though? I can't be the only one losing her mind... But blow jobs are overrated, no? I'm not so sure I enjoyed myself but as long as you're good...

5. What comes next

To be quite honest, I panicked a little when you suggested we move to a motel instead. You quickly added a "chos" but we both know we wanted to, with the way we made out for hours. I'll just say though that I think I'm ready, just as long as we're protected. I don't think we're quite ready for that. But I'd very much like to do it with you?

confession

I won't ever be your cornerstone
I don't want to be here holding on

I'm tired of this cycle: of having to continuously find my place in spaces promised to me I could situate myself in, only to find out that (like always) it isn't the case. I guess this time I was too optimistic, given that this would be the first time I wouldn't have to fight for something people made me think and feel I deserved. The term "part-time relationship" fits us so well, no? All the affirmation I feel comes from everyone else but you and that makes me wonder if I'm the only one fighting for this now.

Nothing hurts more than only being wanted when remembered.

Right now I guess I'll only be able to cope up with this if I put this whole thing in this perspective: I guess I'm only taken less than ten days in a month. And I'll begin treating you and this whole thing as such if I still want to brave the other twenty or so days that I'm not.

laman

I am in no capacity to be eloquent about this matter but shit. I know you asked a lot of times if what happened was happening too fast but at that moment, I didn't and wouldn't really mind anything you'd do... and have done. Ughhhhhhhh fuck I would have probably let you do anything if it was safe dlsfhjalskdhfjksdhgasjdghsakj

WHAT IS HAPPENING

I AM SCARED BUT I LIKE IT TOO MUCH TO NOT WANT IT???

And I'm not gonna lie, the way your hands and your tongue felt when they touched me... I don't think the sensation will leave me anytime soon.

one month after

I hope they weren't lying, whoever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Here's to becoming more confident in what we have and not letting my insecurities get the best of me.

four

Last night you greeted me a happy fourth month.

I don't mean to be rude but... it's today.

. . .

I should feel happy I've been out of singledom for four months but to be honest, I've spent more of that time feeling unwanted. Like I'm now the only one still trying to make things click. And I hate myself too for feeling this way but right now, I just want to disappear from your life until you realize how much you've lost. Or maybe I'm the only one who's scared because I probably won't find anyone else willing to bear my being neurotic and hopelessly impossible.

But I don't know if I can keep this charade up until you graduate.

You told me once that it'll be bad once I stop being clingy, once I stop giving a fuck. Maybe that's what I'll do now just to let you know that maybe we didn't really think this through. I don't mean to impose but if I'll always be an afterthought, then I guess I'm not really up for this.

I do love you but I'm not sure if the time is right.

I'm sorry.

nights like this

there are days where things suddenly turn around so horribly. one minute, I am so content and happy with life then the next minute, I catch myself wondering if I'm doing the right things, if I'm pursuing the right goals, if I'm loving the right people

and my mind won't stop saying

"you made the wrong decision.

again."

little things

You wouldn't believe how kilig I got when you said you'd sing Little Things for me if you could (but couldn't since you said you can't sing) after seeing my post.

Truly, the little things are what matters most.

Though really, I'd marry you if you sing this song for me.

kiss

I honestly just want to kiss you forever.

I shyly pull away all the time though just for the thrill of it, because I know that will make you kiss me again and that assurance makes me really happy (and I won't even start describing how).

third

It's actually pretty amazing how it has already been three months since that funny and really surreal evening.

We spent the early evening in B's room where you asked me if you could hold me. Then it suddenly registered how we were basically spooning but really, I didn't mind. How could I?

The first time you held me, you told me how you were actually serious about having feelings for me but then you were drunk so I didn't want to do much about it. The next time you did was when I was seriously drunk and have started to say embarrassing things about my sexual preferences and was drunk enough to actually have dared to kiss you. Then it happened again when we went to Baguio where everything was like the first: only this time you weren't under the influence of anything.

Then we went to my dorm then L asked us the magic question: "ano na ba kayo?" The conversation that followed was one that's for the books. I've never talked to anyone like that though I'm glad it was with you. It's funny how it was just like that time when we spent the whole evening talking. I'm also glad you waited it out before making a move. I'm also really thankful that we're together now.

To be honest, I never would have seen myself in a relationship this soon so thank you very much for proving me wrong and actually sticking by me when I thought I wasn't likeable in that light. I'm glad to have spent the last three months with you and I know I want to stay safe and not jinx anything, I really got giddy when you said you hoped to stay like this for years and years.

Really, thank you. I love you.