I know, this is a never-ending cycle of me being happy then not so much then happy again. But the more I think about it, I realize how this isn't what I need right now. I don't need someone who's so half-assed about the little things. You set things to do but then you forget to bring it. You keep on talking about the things you want to buy, as if you don't remember how much you still owe me. You stop replying to our conversations because you suddenly decide to watch something without even telling me. You proceed with things that are so unplanned that we end up looking like we don't know where the fuck we are.

In case you haven't noticed, I see all these things and remember them so much more. It's not like you've done anything really nice for me as of late anyway so what am I to hold against all these?

I wasn't lying about how much of a turn-on you are. You always do your best to make me feel beautiful and amazing, and go out of your way to visit and spend time with me even if we live really far from each other. You always find ways to show me how much you love me. And I also love how you surprise me with kisses, then ask me if I am okay with being touched. And of course, I indulge in that. I love how you get hard for me and then proceed fucking me no matter where we are.

Ugh sometimes I realize how much of a fool I am for always doubting you.

I don't mind you just disappearing and seen-zone-ing my messages because you're busy working but can you at least listen to me talk about how my day went? :\ Tangina naman.

Nakakapagod na lang rin pala talagang umintindi. Aabot sa puntong bawat mali, bibilangin na lang rin. Ninanamnam bawat masasakit na salita, at hinihintay na magkaroon ng panahon upang tuluyang bumitaw na. Siguro parang hinihintay na lang na tuluyang mahulog sa kawalan ng pag-asa.

Ayoko na lang sumubok pang mag-tiis eh. Pagod na pagod na pagod na ako. Di mo pa ba nakikita yun?

10/20/13

 

Okay so medyo kasalanan ko for being curious about wanting to know what you say about me to other people and it's kind of sad how it went from you telling other people about what you feel about me to how you want to prioritize everything else over me.

Putangina lang e.

Okay I have to be honest: I wasn't expecting you to go but I'm really super super glad you did. Double that amount of happiness too because you actually stayed the night. I am that happy, haha.

It's also adorable how you struggled to say you wanted to go somewhere more intimate. I'd be stupid enough now to say I was just waiting for you to want it too because I've always wanted to do it again. I will be also stupid again to say that okay, the second time really feels a million times better than the first and while my entire body still aches from the whole affair, I'm looking forward to the next? Hahaha.

Also, wow. So horrible for me to judge people who engage in PDA when I was fucking fingered in public places. Hahahahahahaha. Well.

I'm not gonna lie, I think I'll hold this against you forever.

11/14/13 12:13 AM

Hi.

I find this whole session of revisiting the past and treating it like it was the present immensely hurtful. I'll be daring enough to say that maybe I'm the one hurting more. And possibly more than you could ever do.

Remember that night I first found out about what was going on? That was the night I cried my heart out as I drank in Canaan and lighted up god knows how many cigarettes in Midnight Owl. I really appreciated you being there. But what I realise now is that that was not what I needed. What I needed was someone who would listen to what I have to say. Someone who was willing to hear what I have to say about what happened and understand that I'm also being wronged. Almost seven months in, with many of our fights still being about this, and you still don't get it. You tell me how you'll never forgive her.

But maybe the one you could never forgive is actually me.

The way you said that puts me simply as the one to blame: just like how everyone else saw it as. None of this would have happened if I just kept my mouth shut and just did my already delayed closes, no? And it hurts having to hear this from you. Because I was hoping that maybe you would be the one who would also try to hear and understand (even if you don't agree with) what I have to say.

It's honestly draining me out. This whole cycle of us talking about this thing, with my only oasis in our conversations being the part where I find that brief validation that maybe you do love me. Everything else: I force to become a blur.

Sometimes I wonder if all this was really just born out of your desire for that very power that certain girl wanted, too. Maybe I was too trusting. Maybe some of this is real, just not the parts I wish were. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Maybe you do love me, and I'm just the one finding all the reasons for you not to continue doing so.

I haven't smoked that much in 6 months. While I tell people I've quit, I still turn to a stick or two (max) whenever the days get too tough and they still never fail to clear up my mind and help me get through another round of these depression attacks. It's my perfect excuse to have a reason to hate the way I am; a perfect opportunity to get mad at how pathetic I am for relying on little sticks of nicotine to solve my problems.

It is also during these moments of being so horrible that I get people to care. People usually don't, after all. I've been so used to understanding the situation of everyone around me that I forget to remind them to understand me, too.

And so I temporarily get by.

I've also realised that drinking has given me an excuse to air out all of the pent up frustration.

It has helped us clear out a lot of things for this relationship, no? After all, if I haven't drank a bottle of vodka that one night I drunkenly decided to kiss you, I don't think you wouldn't have pursued me anymore. Our first fight also ended as I—aided with the magic that is a few bottles of beer—spilled my entire heart out as I spoke of how difficult it is for me still to find a place in your life. Thank you for caring enough to listen and to care about what I had to say. And thank you so much for understanding and being sorry. That was all I needed for I have rarely had people tell me those words: "I'm sorry."

Really, thank you for making it feel like this is worth the risk. And I hope that in finally breaking the silence, I'll stop having a reason to turn to smoking.