おかえり

Last night you greeted me a happy fourth month.

I don't mean to be rude but... it's today.



I should feel happy I've been out of singledom for four months but to be honest, I've spent more of that time feeling unwanted. Like I'm now the only one still trying to make things click. And I hate myself too for feeling this way but right now, I just want to disappear from your life until you realize how much you've lost. Or maybe I'm the only one who's scared because I probably won't find anyone else willing to bear my being neurotic and hopelessly impossible.

But I don't know if I can keep this charade up until you graduate.

You told me once that it'll be bad once I stop being clingy, once I stop giving a fuck. Maybe that's what I'll do now just to let you know that maybe we didn't really think this through. I don't mean to impose but if I'll always be an afterthought, then I guess I'm not really up for this.

I do love you but I'm not sure if the time is right.

I'm sorry.

You wouldn't believe how kilig I got when you said you'd sing Little Things for me if you could (but couldn't since you said you can't sing) after seeing my post.

Truly, the little things are what matters most.

Though really, I'd marry you if you sing this song for me.

It's actually pretty amazing how it has already been three months since that funny and really surreal evening.

We spent the early evening in B's room where you asked me if you could hold me. Then it suddenly registered how we were basically spooning but really, I didn't mind. How could I?

The first time you held me, you told me how you were actually serious about having feelings for me but then you were drunk so I didn't want to do much about it. The next time you did was when I was seriously drunk and have started to say embarrassing things about my sexual preferences and was drunk enough to actually have dared to kiss you. Then it happened again when we went to Baguio where everything was like the first: only this time you weren't under the influence of anything.

Then we went to my dorm then L asked us the magic question: "ano na ba kayo?" The conversation that followed was one that's for the books. I've never talked to anyone like that though I'm glad it was with you. It's funny how it was just like that time when we spent the whole evening talking. I'm also glad you waited it out before making a move. I'm also really thankful that we're together now.

To be honest, I never would have seen myself in a relationship this soon so thank you very much for proving me wrong and actually sticking by me when I thought I wasn't likeable in that light. I'm glad to have spent the last three months with you and I know I want to stay safe and not jinx anything, I really got giddy when you said you hoped to stay like this for years and years.

Really, thank you. I love you.