four

Last night you greeted me a happy fourth month.

I don't mean to be rude but... it's today.

. . .

I should feel happy I've been out of singledom for four months but to be honest, I've spent more of that time feeling unwanted. Like I'm now the only one still trying to make things click. And I hate myself too for feeling this way but right now, I just want to disappear from your life until you realize how much you've lost. Or maybe I'm the only one who's scared because I probably won't find anyone else willing to bear my being neurotic and hopelessly impossible.

But I don't know if I can keep this charade up until you graduate.

You told me once that it'll be bad once I stop being clingy, once I stop giving a fuck. Maybe that's what I'll do now just to let you know that maybe we didn't really think this through. I don't mean to impose but if I'll always be an afterthought, then I guess I'm not really up for this.

I do love you but I'm not sure if the time is right.

I'm sorry.